Michael Hauge
March 2, 2009: Michael Hauge
MICHAEL HAUGE is a Hollywood script consultant and writers’ coach, and the best-selling author of Selling Your Story in 60 Seconds: The Guaranteed Way to Get Your Screenplay or Novel Read and Writing Screenplays That Sell, now in its 35th printing. He has consulted on projects starring Will Smith, Julia Roberts, Jennifer Lopez, Kirsten Dunst, Charlize Theron and Morgan Freeman, as well as for every major studio and network. Michael has lectured to more than 40,000 writers, filmmakers and corporate executives throughout the world. He can be reached through his web site at http://screenplaymastery.com

In my work as a consultant, my goal is to help improve the story and script, whether they're creating an original story outline or screenplay, or writing another draft. So by definition, my work is always about changing: developing, rewriting, rewriting again, and again, and again.

The Cowrite script presents a unique situation: moving forward in a story for which there is no overall outline, and for which rewriting is not an option – at least not until the contest is over.

So I want to focus on the things that need to happen in the next 10 pages, while at the same time mentioning elements of what's in the script so far that are instructional, and will be worth considering once this project does go into rewrites.

To begin with, I think that overall the script has a strong foundation – a fun, commercial premise with some good characters and lots of opportunity for action and conflict. The script does an excellent job of creating empathy with the hero – Jonas is sympathetic (a nerdy outsider who struggles to do three pull-ups), likeable (considerate of his neighbor and well liked by his best friend), and to some extent funny and good at what he does (clever at spy and computer stuff).

The "outside action" prologue creates immediate conflict and emotion and introduces a powerful villain. And the first key turning point (what I refer to as the OPPORTUNITY) – witnessing the break in – occurs at the 10% mark, as it should. Cable (and Raul), Walters and Nora have the potential to fill the roles of Nemesis (and his henchman), Reflection and Romance, and enough action and surprise follows to keep us emotionally involved. So far so good.

Now here's what to consider for the next 10 pages (and beyond):

1. Establish a clearer OUTER MOTIVATION. This is my term for the essential, visible end point or finish line that the hero is determined to reach by the end of the movie. Right now we know that Jonas has to do something about this Conquest data system high-tech weapon gizmo, but what is he going to do? Destroy it? Get it to the CIA? Sell it on E Bay? This goal should have been established at the 25% mark – no later than page 30, if this is 120 page script (and it better not be any longer than that). Since it hasn't been, his goal must be defined and declared immediately at the beginning of the next section.

2. Stay with the hero. This is Jonas' story, not Walters' or Ava's. So stay with Jonas' point of view. On rare occasion it's OK to cut away to Walters and Ava, or to Cable and the bad guys, to create superior position and anticipation. But always keep the hero in the driver's seat.

3. Define Jonas more clearly. At first I thought this was a story about a loner who dreams of being a spy because it's so far away from the withdrawn, sad life he lives. But then he becomes a kid who gregariously pushes test answers or term papers, who seems to know as much as a CIA agent already, has more electronics than a Fry's warehouse, and can recognize the sound of an exploding missile without showing any fear at all. I'd get him back to being the nerdy loner who's completely out of his depth. That character is more believable, and it heightens the conflict, which will greatly increase our emotional involvement. Which brings us to:

4. Keep the story credible. Sure, this is a fantasy action film. But it must be internally logical. Once the ground rules are set, stick to them. No CIA agent (or Homeland Security agent) would allow a teenager to jeopardize his mission. So have Jonas and his pals working on their own, sneaking away after becoming suspicious of Walters and Ava. Now they can be pursued by the bad guys AND Walters and Ava (who are trying to get to them first to rescue them and get back the device). Force Jonas to achieve this goal without access to a whole lot of spy equipment and weaponry, so he's just an everyday kid thrust into an overwhelming situation.

5. Bring out more of Jonas' inner life. Action movies don't need deep character arcs, but it would be nice if we had more of a sense of the hero's inner conflict. We want to see him grow in some way as he pursues his goal of saving the world. Does he have to learn to believe in himself? Does he live in a fantasy world and have to learn to accept reality? Does he have to risk connecting with, and trusting, others in order to succeed? Jonas is presented as a kid with no father, whose mother seems completely absent from his life. It's conceivable that any of these issues could result from the buried pain of that situation.

6. Keep things moving. Avoid scenes of lengthy dialogue created to explain what we're seeing. We don't need detailed information or descriptions of the device – it's just the McGuffin (what Hitchcock described as the thing that the characters care deeply about, that the audience doesn't care about at all). We know it's a bad weapon. That's enough. What we care about is what Jonas and the gang will DO to save the world – and to overcome the visible obstacles they're up against.

7. Create a ticking clock. Whatever they have to do to stop this device from falling into the wrong hands, or blowing up, give them a severe time limit for doing so – and announce how much time they've got left. ("If we don't get this to Langley, Virginia, in 24 hours, it will launch the nuclear missiles!") Try to come up with something a bit less clichéd and over-the-top than that (this is why I'm a consultant and not a writer). But you get the idea.

8. Create anticipation. Every once in a while, a bomb can go off unexpectedly, but usually you want us to know things the hero doesn't know – that Cable is tracking them on their cell phones, that their brakes have been tampered with, or that Jason Voorhees is waiting in the closet (Oh, wait – wrong franchise…). This allows us to anticipate conflict to come, which will sustain the reader's emotional involvement much longer than an unexpected surprise.

9. Don't fall in love with plot twists. A big reveal can throw the audience off balance, but too many will give them vertigo, and they'll stop caring. I understand the temptation – when you've only got 10 pages to prove your talent, it's hard to resist throwing in an unexpected curve. For example, when the Masked Spy turns out to be a woman, that's a nice surprise. But when Oh-my-god she’s Walters’ ex! And then Oh-my-god she’s married to Cable are piled on it stretches credibility past the breaking point.

10. Having said that, now that those particular plot elements have been introduced, you have the opportunity to set up an interesting parallel: Jonah's growing relationship with Nora, compared to Walters' falling back in love with Ava. I'd make it clear that even though she left Walters for Cable, she dumped Cable long ago – even before she found out he was a traitor. Then explore why she left Walters in the first place, giving you the opportunity to give Walters an arc of his own – he'll have to act differently towards her, or his job, or something in order to win her back. In this scenario, you'll be making Walters an almost equal hero to Jonah (which will necessitate introducing Walters separately in the first 10 pages in the rewrite. But it might be worth the effort.)

This last item brings us back to what I said in the beginning about rewriting. But even forgetting about that issue for now, there's plenty here to move forward with. And whoever wins the competition for the next ten pages will have brought the story into clearer focus, setting the hero on a clearly defined path and introducing deeper elements to the characters as well.

I hope this proves helpful. If you have any questions about anything I've said, post them in the Cowrite forum, and I'll answer them by next week. And be sure to visit my web site at www.ScreenplayMastery.com for more articles and explanations of some of the concepts I've mentioned, plus information on my one-on-one coaching and consultation.

Thanks for this opportunity. And good luck with the contest!

- Michael Hauge

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