ScriptXpertMarch 24, 2009: ScriptXpert
The week’s Pro is a script consultant from the company ScriptXpert. ScriptXpert is a script consultation service provided by Final Draft, Inc. They employ industry readers with a minimum of five years experience providing coverage for a major producer or agent.

Here’s their website:

http://www.finaldraft.com/products-and-services/scriptxpert/

This week we chose to have the pro do a critique of a non-winning entry. You can read the entry discussed here:

Coverage Script

I am quite honored to have been asked to participate in Cowrite’s unique and intriguing screenwriting challenge. As a script reader, story analyst, and screenplay consultant, it’s my job to assess a script’s strong points, identify its problem areas, and offer some (hopefully) helpful suggestions for improving the piece, which is what I will now attempt to do with this non-winning entry selected from this week’s submissions.

STRONG POINTS

What impressed me most about this entry was its high degree of imagination. In ten short, but jam-packed and crisply-paced pages, the author introduces an impressive array of inventive concepts – including the development of Julian from a rudimentary technological construct into a near-human form of sentient, cybernetic life and an “eyeball” surveillance device that can literally see in all directions at once – as well as a number of clever plot twists and two “ticking clocks” (an impending raid by government forces and the rapid ebbing of the wounded Harry’s life) -- that bring an intensive degree of suspense to the sequence. The author clearly has a very fertile imagination and, better yet, the ability to transfer that imagination to paper.

PROBLEM AREAS

Unfortunately, this unfettered display of imagination also creates a number of problems that hinder the effectiveness of the selection.

To begin with, it changes the script’s genre in midstream. In the first four installments, the story is a spy adventure, but the introduction of Julian turns it into a science fiction tale. It also destroys the reality of the piece. Until this point, the story – while certainly containing a few larger-than-life touches – has unfolded in a relatively realistic manner. However, as soon as Julian – an amazingly advanced device far beyond any of our current technological capabilities – is brought in (which, granted, occurs in the previous installment, although its full range of development and capabilities don’t flower until this one), the story is pushed into the realm of the unreal. And this, I think, destroys much of the charm of the core conceit – the only way that a story about an average teenager facing the amazing challenges of being a spy can work is if it builds up slowly to the point where the teenager does something incredible, but in a world in which the unreal is commonplace, nothing Jonas does can ever be incredible and, thus, the power of his tale is diluted considerably.

In addition, many of the events and revelations contained in this installment contradict much of the continuity established in the previous four. For example, early on it is established that Reign is plotting to sell the Conquest to the Chinese -- because, we assume, they do not have the capability to make one themselves and because they wish to use it to attack its military enemies. However, in this new section it is now established that the Chinese actually helped to design the Conquest in the first place in order to assist in a plot to assassinate the American president. Next, we are told that Harry created Julian, although Harry has been established as being a spy, not a scientist. In a last example, the presence of Nora and Freddie in these pages also doesn’t track. In the previous installment, Jonas told Nora and Freddie to go to their classes while he goes off to find Ms. McMann on his own. Nora and Freddie complied with Jonas’s instructions, which is why it doesn’t make sense that they are suddenly sitting in a van outside of McMann’s home.

Finally, the developments presented in this section confuse the future direction of the screenplay. In the previous installments, the ultimate goal of the story was clear – Jonas and his friends need to keep Reign from selling the Conquest to the Chinese. By the end of this section, however, two new ultimate goals have been added to the story – to save Harry and to stop the assassination of Barack Obama. While these are certainly solid, workable goals, they are very different goals for very different stories. Including them in this one confuses the issue and makes it hard to figure out where this tale is ultimately supposed to be headed.

Additional Concerns:

• Towards the end of the section, the script gets bogged down with a lot of technobabble -- in the story, in the writing and in the dialogue. This becomes a bit off-putting – in part because it’s often very hard to follow, in part because sometimes seems like a bit of a dramatic cheat (at certain points, there doesn’t seem to be any problem that the supertechnology at hand can’t solve), and in part because much of it goes unexplained (what exactly is an RFID chip and why does it seem to be so omnipresent?) and so renders much of what happens incomprehensible.

• For all of this installment’s inventiveness, some of the ideas lack freshness: foiling a political assassination plot is a particularly worn-out plot device, as is the use of a super computer that can access any information required to further the plot from any system anywhere in the world with incredible ease and speed.

• Julian is such an amazing device that it immediately overshadows the Conquest, which, given that the Conquest is the story’s “MacGuffin,” really should be the most amazing invention in the story.

To resolve these problems, I would recommend having Ms. McMann provide Jonas with whatever info he needs then have Jonas figure out what to do with it. As cool an invention as Julian is, his existence causes more problems than its worth. Removing it will bring more consistency to the script’s genre and its reality. It will help cut down on the technobabble and allow both Jonas and the Conquest more opportunities to shine. I would also recommend bringing this installment’s story elements more in line with the script’s previously established continuity, which can be done with some judicious cutting and rewriting. Finally, I would recommend eliminating the notion that the villains are out to assassinate the President and the search for the wounded Harry so that the focus and the direction of the story remain clear.

To conclude, I have been asked to suggest where I think the script should go following this week’s winning pages. Well, those pages certainly left me licking my lips in anticipation for what I hope will be a riotously funny encounter between Raul and Bobo, who I am almost certain is going to turn out to be a big, mangy, borderline-rabid monstrosity, so I definitely think that should happen (I also look forward to seeing Raul explain to Reign how he was bested by a dog and a kid). From there, I think Freddie and Nora should get the obsidian bar to Jonas and the three of them should finally embark on a journey to find whoever, whatever, or wherever Julian tells them will be able to keep the Conquest safe. It’s definitely time to get the show on the road.

Congratulations to all of the past winners and good luck to all of you future entrants. I can’t wait to see what you come up with.



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