Jesse Wigutow
(The Divorcees)January 26, 2009: Jesse Wigutow
Writers,
If the standard wga writing period for a first draft is 12 weeks, consider the notion that the first 4 weeks should be spent on the first 10 pages, the next 4 on the remainder of the script, and the final 4 weeks devoted to rewriting the first 10 pages. don't hold me to it - hell, i don't hold myself to it - but in a business as fickle and fluid as this one, the relevance of your first chapter cannot be overstated. eyes move quickly in this town, scripts pile up, and passes are infinitely easier than their counterpart. any reason to say no is a good one.
to that end, the task of the first ten pages is manifold: introduce your characters, introduce your environment, set your narrative in motion, and perhaps most importantly, establish the tone of the piece. either and all of these are herculean tasks. and all of them must add up to a single, solitary objective: hook your reader. do it all in ten pages and you're ready for page 11. do it well and you'll be writing the Pro's Take column for COWRITE: THE SEQUEL.
with that in mind, let's have a look at the first 10 pages of our untitled socialist experiment cia/high school thriller.
first and foremost, i came to these pages without expectation. romantic comedy, noir-ish mystery, coming of age… i was ready to go wherever the writer would take me. unfortunately, i'm still waiting to find out what kind of film this is. the opening image - a rich man splashed by a passing motorcade - says to me i'm about to read a comedy. is there a more prevalent image from the school of comedy, save for a frying pan to the head? the action sequence that follows is well conceived but frustratingly under-written, which contributes to the lack of tonal focus. is this maxwell smart? jason bourne? dumb and dumber? something entirely unto itself? if i had to guess, i'd say we're in the parody genre, but again, i'd be guessing. and presumably, i'd be wrong. unlike exposition, tone is not something to be subtle about.
one suggestion: choose a pair of eyes. give yourself a POV. are we experiencing this action through the eyes of the masked spy? raul? the control room? as it is, the intercutting undermines the tension - and though the information you might lose by committing to one POV may be valuable narrative data, it's currently not serving the read. you don't need to commit to a lead protagonist (or antagonist) right now and you certainly don't need to show your hand and reveal WHO your main character is - but you do need to commit to the action. otherwise, i'm lost by page 5. the third party / writer's POV tends to lend itself to fudging and generalizations in screenwriting, which i would argue is often the case in these 10 pages. i don't want to be told that the masked spy is being deliberate and prepared and mechanical, i want to see it. and i want to see it in a way that makes me believe it's a) possible b) happening right now and c) been experienced by the writer a hundred times over before he/she is writing about it. if you think you have a fresh take on an action sequence, then write it. don't leave details up to stunt coordinators and the likes. otherwise, pick another direction, one you can write with a sense of conviction. i need to feel like there's someone omniscient and omnipotent behind the curtain pulling the strings in order to buy in.
once we meet Jonas, the action moves into familiar territory - high school, geek, funny sidekick, jock, hottie with a sensitive side. while i like the set up - the concept of a nerdy high school kid with an entrepreneurial bend and CIA dreams - and i like the juxtaposition of the high school milieu with a life or death action caper, much of the execution feels rushed and derivative. don't rely on what we already know about high school and definitely don't rely on what we already know about high school from other films about high school, ie, slo-mo introduction of Nora in hallway. what kind of high school is this? what kind of suburb is this? paint it for us. give us specifics - specifics that are specific TO THIS TOWN and THIS HIGH SCHOOL. even if it's generic, your take on generic is specific. if this is going to be our environment for the next 2 hours - and odds are it is - then own it and sell it with you, the writer, as the tour guide.
as for the narrative, the nuts and bolts of the story seem to be clicking along nicely so far. i like the set up of the neighbor and i like the fact that he's involved in some measure of trouble and that he's more prepared for it than one would have thought. here's an example of the writer pulling strings, knowing all, disseminating information on a need to know basis, and effectively moving the story forward. one suggestion: change his name. either when we meet him or when it's mentioned by Cable. as the reader, we know harry walters, otherwise your standard issue, middle aged, suburban neighbor, is mixed up in something unusual as soon as Cable says his name. more effective, i'd argue, to reveal later on that harry walters and, say, bob smith are one and the same person - and more effective, if it's revealed through action, that the unassuming suburban neighbor is actually well prepared for Raul's strike. as it is, the hand was tipped and i assumed harry walters, purported trainer of the masked spy, would be sufficiently prepped for raul.
on that note, looking forward: the next writer has much to accomplish. while the story may be off and running - with many roads still open to explore - the next 10 pages need to settle the tone and answer the fundamental question, what kind of movie is this? personally? i see it going the way of a cinematic encyclopedia brown. something aimed at a younger audience, where suspension of disbelief may be more readily achieved. but either way, as you consider the fate of jonas and nora and freddie and walters, i would urge you to take chances - separate the marketplace from your decision making process - personalize your pages. after all, who really cares about plot? it's the rest of it that counts and the rest of it that will make this script stand out from the pack. whereever the story goes, i leave you with the age old adage, one i consistently violate, at my own peril:
NO SURPRISE FOR THE WRITER, NO SURPRISE FOR THE READER!
good luck!
jw
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